~July 24, 2009 - 11:49 PM Y
*~* "It's twilight," Edward noted. "It's the safest time for us. The easiest time. But also the saddest, in a way... the end of another day, the return of the night. Darkness is so predictable, don't you think?" *~*
*~* "I like the night," Bella replied.
"Without the dark, we'd never see the stars." *~*
Clarification time.
whenever I mentioned the word 'BITCH' I am always talking about me.
Second, there is a lot of misunderstanding because when I wrote that post I was venting anger and whatever that comes to my mind I just type it out without thinking.
Also thanks for pointing out that I look different because that photo was taken 3 years ago.
After having pimples I didn't like taking any photos so I don't have any of my recent photo.
I know I now
buang okay? I am already constantly reminding myself I am so ugly that even car see me also want to run over my face.
Anyway, this was how it goes.
That day, when it was photo taking,
Yeok Hoon sat down because she see me not wanting to sit down.
In the end I thought no space so I wanted to find another place so I took a few steps forward and
Staphanie called
Jerolyn to sit with them.
Problem was, I didn't know that the sofa could squeeze 1 more person and I was very frantic and confused that time so in the end I only remember the very negative things which was "
Staphanie calling
Jerolyn to sit beside her and left me out."
Instantly after that I was pissed so I told
Su Yi and
Shi Ting say "They
ps me again, (part of the story, leaving out a lot of parts)
Staphanie called
Jerolyn to sit beside her and left me out.
Then they of course went to ask them what happened and because I only told them the reason why I was pissed I never tell the whole story so in the end they say I was making up story.
Anyway after that
Shi Ting scolded me and I keep thinking back. My thoughts were not "I hate them" or "Why are they doing this to me?". It was "Why am I always doing this kind of things. I always do something I don't know I did. It felt as though I was a different person, split personality or something. Or is it that I am insane?".
I kept asking myself this few questions but just couldn't find the answer because my mind was so full of thoughts and everything just seemed a blur already.
Of course first thoughts were death then it become "I want to go home."
After that I told my mother my side of the story and she told me that being alone was never bad because this way I have more time to do what I need to do.
Usually friends influence you in such that they make you unable to concentrate on your studies or something.
Then I played
Dragonica the whole day.
Dragonica is a game similar to maple except it's more fun, graphics are much better and it's easier to play.
Went to school the following day only feeling angry and frustrated.
I still wasn't thinking clearly and I only know one thing is I felt being used.
I'm not saying they use me, they never did but I was saying how I feel only.
I know they one period of time treat me really nice and I thought they accepted me totally.
I am a very sensitive person, to people it might be a small thing but to me it's very big because every small little thing will accumulate.
Anyway back to the point, the reason why I was feeling being used because the great difference between 'suddenly they treat me nice' and 'the next thing I know, they start to isolate from me again'.
My first thought was, "because you want things from me you then find me then when you don't need me you left me aside?"
I was writing my feelings and not they really treat me cruelly.
They never did like me before and I know the reason why.
The first impression I gave them was already negative and including those rumors people always spread about me.
About the Karaoke thing, "When they want to come my place just because I have the K Box Karaoke set they want to come my house sing for free.", though it sounds harsh but my real meaning was "free what! who also want to come!" I wasn't saying them being very poor or budget or whatever you can think of. I was only saying it's free! Even if it's me I would want to go too.
As for the cleaning up, they did offer to help but because they were guests, how can I let my guests help clean my house for me?
Also, I said until I wasn't willing to clean up after they left because I didn't enjoy myself. When they were singing K, I was being left alone. It sounds ridiculous to me, 'feeling left out in my own house'.
They really did offer to help me clean but I declined. I said until it's such a big deal because when you didn't enjoy yourself, will you enjoy cleaning after they left? Of course not! The feeling will be like shit too.
I know right now it's like 5B and C people already know this stupid thing. Just because I vent my anger on my blog then it turned out this way?
I know what I said was too much but my blog is my dairy and I want to write what I want. I don't care if my music is outdated because I don't on my blog to listen to music so what for I change? Just because people tell me to do so? Then won't that make me very tired?
Anyway back to the point. Those previous post, I was only writing HOW I FEEL and not stating the fact that WHAT REALLY HAPPENED.
Anyway now I know why they dislike me, just because of the things I sec 3 that time say? I always talk about things that aren't relevant to them, then they dislike me? Then since dislike never just tell me right away?
Also I know why till now they still dislike me because their impression of me stopped at the 3 years ago's Keng Hwee and not the present one.
I know I now very seldom talk about things like that because I hardly even talk to them so what makes them think I didn't change? I'm just not sure.
Also, if you guys go think about it, just because some things I did made you guys don't like me, then what about yourself? There are times when people make mistakes and what makes my mistake so serious and other's are not?
So this means other people can make mistakes and I can't? People can be angry and I can't? People can vent anger and I can't? So people can have feelings and I can't?
Like what Shu Hui says, no matter how hard I try they still dislike me. At least I tried, it's better to at least take the effort to try than to never try at all.
I would rather face problems than to run away from it. So for now, whatever people don't like about me just say it out, vent your anger on me about whatever you don't like about me then move on.
Also if is there anything I miss out just tell me.
Xue Qi: you don't mistaken, though my blog I keep writing "them them them" but you don't know that in my mind I never thought about you so I wasn't saying about you. You did nothing and I never was talking about you.
Lastly, whatever that post I write, really is mainly of how I FEEL only, that's all. No other intentions.
*~*There are things in life that are inevitable. Though it's tough and avoiding always seems the only solution. The real truth is facing it will make it better.*~*
