Today is the fifth day of the break up...


End up today I still cannot forget about him...


I keep having the thought of "what did I do wrong to deserve this kind of pain? I love him so much and try to give him as much happiness as he wants but I didn't do it."


I keep thinking it is my fault that made him lose feelings for me...


I did not understand him enough and I keep questioning him...


I do stupid things and say hurtful words when I should not.


I do a lot of stupid things to seek his attention but end up he tell me he lose feelings for me....


Today I was at my mother's shop helping her out...


Suddenly memories of him pop into my mind again and this time I cannot take it anymore, so I tell my mother.


I thought she will comfort me but she nearly gave me a tight slap.


Then she scolded me "HE DONT EVEN CARE ABOUT YOU ALREADY! YOU KEEP THINKING ABOUT HIM DOES HE KNOW ABOUT IT? DOES HE REALLY FEEL SORRY FOR HURTING YOU? EVEN IF BOTH OF YOU GO BACK TOGETHER, HE WILL DO THE SAME THING TO YOU AGAIN THEN YOU WILL CRY MORE BECAUSE YOU WILL LOVE HIM MORE!"


I couldn't stop my tears from coming out of my eyes at that very moment because I know very clearly that he is never coming back...


He no longer cares about what happens to me.


Even if I die for him he will not feel a thing because he no longer have feelings for me...


In future I still want to be his friend but I will not know how to face him already.


Looking at a person who hurt you like never before really kills...


I no longer know what to do and my mind is always filled with memories about him...


Because of this I didn't concentrate when I was ironing clothes for my mother then I scalded my hand...


It is as painful as the time my feet got burnt but this time, Jeff is not there to care for me...


I can remember clearly that time I was at Jerlin's chalet.


Then I burnt my feet, so end up he carried me to the nearest place to take a cab to a hospital.


At that time, he really is my knight in shining armour who come for the damsel in distress.


After this break up, I realised this is only a moment of fantasy and it will never come back again...


Why things have to turn out this way?


I really don't understand...


I really put in a lot of effort trying to always make this relationship right but it didn't turn out right...


I really dont know what to do already...


I am at my limits...

Today, I cried badly during recess...


Luckily I have friends like Ka Khay, Siew Hwee, Alicer and Ai Ling.


Even though we are not close, they still take the initiatives to help and comfort me.


I haven't been eating properly lately.


I guess my big appetite only happens when I am with him...


When I am with him, I can eat a lot and never feel full.


This time, even a bowl of rice I eat only a little like a few spoon full then I am full.


I really cannot get over him...


I really dont know what to do...


I need people's accompany but mostly of my friends are busy expecially N'levels is around the corner.


I shall stop here...


I hope I get over him and the very least we still be friends...

After about 4 days, I still cannot get over him.


I know I should move on so I tried to occupy myself by doing a lot of things.


However what ever I do, his face will pop right out at me then I will remember the time we spent together...


For example...


When I reach my house door, I will remember him escorting me back home.


When I take a train ride, I will remember how tightly I hugged him in my arms and hoping the journey will never end.


When I go shopping, I will remember how we go from shops to shops and window shopping.


When I buy clothes, I will remember he will always be standing in front of me telling me I look better in which clothes.


When I use my computer, I will always remember he calls me dear dear and we chat for a little.


When I look at my handphone, I always remember the sweet things he say to me in his messages.


When I look at the stars, I remember we once went to sentosa beach and played from afternoon till we see stars in the sky.


When I draw, I will remember him helping me rush through my last minute art work. The art work is bad but I like it a lot (just that I didnt praise him in front of him).


When I am at school, I will remember him always messaging me "i miss u" in class.


I wasted so much time with him and our relationship is going to reach 1 year and it is just about 2-3 weeks after I celebrate with him his birthday...


I really cannot forget him...

Today, Jeff break up with me.


What I don't understand is why must he only tell me things when we break up.


After talking to him on the phone, I feel that I am such an idiot because I cried for a more idiot person.


FUSAKEN!


Anyway, I feel pissed now more than hate because I hate it like I'm crying for him but he dont feel hurt at all because he dont love me anymore.


While I, stupid stupid cry for him and he dosent feel hurt.


How stupid I can be?


I have to be strong.


After this experience, truthfully speaking Im emotionally stronger.


I will not because of some family problems, friendship problems or relationship problems pull me down.


I will put myself together.


When I fall, I will stand up by myself.


I will not require anyone to help me but I think I can help myself.


This way, I will become much stronger and I recover faster whenever there is a setback.


Anyway after the break up, I thought a lot and I realied I actually have friends who really care for me.


Thanks Siew Hwee (first person i called), Bryan (second person I call and will always stand by me whenever wherever I need someone to talk to) & Mi Mi (kong hwee, my gan gor).


As for Jerlin, I called her freaking many times but she didn't answer my call.


Tonight I am going to pamper myself by going to do facial.


Tommrrow I am going to gussy up and go to my mother's shop and help her out.


Same as for Wednesday, Thursday..


Maybe Friday I might want to go out with my friends....

I had a bad dream last night...


It's about...


I was at a school outting.


Everything was fun and all of a sudden, I saw Jeff walking in the place I am at.


I thought he came to see me but I saw him holding another girl's hand...


I ran to him and ask him "Why are u holding her hand? Who is she?"


Then he say "Cant I hold her hands?"


Then before I can even shout at him, he continued "Cant I kiss and hug her?"


I cannot believe he just said that!


Im so sad about that, so I ran away...


The last thing I can remember is..


When I turn around, I see him laughing at me with that girl...


I was so sad and I woke up because of the shock.


I immediatly call him and ask him "Will u two-time me? Do you still love me?"


Then he keep changing the subject...


I thought he cannot hear me so I keep asking again and again...


Then he keep wanting to hang the phone..


So I thought he will sms me something...


So I brush my teeth and went to check my phone but no messages at all.


Then I sms him, the only reply he can give me is "please leave me alone, Im already very irritated and annoyed"


So I sms him back, "I will leave u alone... I will not call or sms u anymore... Including if u miss call me, I will not call back either"


Then after some time he called me but I do not feel like answering...


Then I went to shower and see if he will sms me something...


but he didn't...


Last time, whenever he miss calls me and I did not answer the phone, he will sms me saying why didn't I pick up the phone and he is worried....


I guess I don't matter much to him already...


At this point, all I can think of is "If I dissapear from his life, he will not feel sad but feel relieved. Because one of his burden is finally gone... Never to come back..."


People say "my heart is broken into 2" when they are sad...


I say "he used a sharp knife, stabbed into my heart and leave me to die..."


Even if he read this blog, it will not change anything because to me...


Jeff died long time ago...


The Jeff now, is not the Jeff that I love...


Or should I say once loved?

Nowadays, because of that very Monday night I did not sleep, now im sick


Having slight fever, cough and flu...


I did not do much, just wake up, eat, sleep then use computer awhile then go back to sleep.


I keep feeling like no energy and very tired...


Im going to sleep now again...


XD

Last night I did not sleep because I was doing my art.


Now it's finally done and I finally sleep.


(this is the shortest post I have ever written)

Today I have Maths Paper 2 exam which starts at 8am.


I over slept and I'M LATE!


My teacher called my house at 8am and that's when I wake up.


I quickly rushed into my mother's room and ask me mother to wake my step father up to fetch me to school.


After that I prepare all of stuff and go to school.


When I reach school it was about 8:30am then run into the hall, throw my bag then run to my seat.


LOL then when I reach my seat I sat down really fast which made a loud thud sound XD.


After the exam, I ask a lot of my classmates was I making a lot of sound when I come into the hall and they said yes and also they startled a little when I sat down because it was so loud.


I am so embarrassed!

Yesterday was boring...


I watched anime the whole day...


That's all...


lol

Monday was a school holiday for Secondary schools and ITE.


Then I decided to go out with Jeff ^_^


We meet up with his best friend, Li Xiang, at City Hall MRT


Then went to Marina Square to play arcade.


After awhile Li Xiang's friend came and i was watching them playing arcade games.


Their reactions was so funny that i keep laughing.


I never have so much fun in many years already.


I hope all of my friends are so fun XD

This is my third post of today...


Last night was horrible..


Because my sister have a lot of things she misunderstood about my mother then the misunderstanding she have made her dislike some parts of my mother.


My sister told me everything the night before yesterday.


Yesterday when I was outside eating dinner with my mother (my sister is not there), i told her everything my sister said.


I told my mother that she need to explain to my sister too, maybe she heard wrong or to her it might be a different thing.


Also I told my mother that both my sister and my mother should sit down and talk nicely, if not this misunderstanding will lead to a bigger one.


After I told my mother these and we reach home already, she cried because she say after bringing us up alone for so long that's how we think about her (we as in me and my sister)


However, I never thought of my mother that way because I always know there will be a reasonable reason for the things she do.


I felt horrible because I thought it's my fault for telling my mother how my sister feel about her.


But my mother told me that it's not my fault and she also say that I should have told her earlier because this misunderstanding might lead to a worse and bigger one.


End up after my sister come home, my mother explained everything to my sister and both of them cried blah blah blah...


Then I never talked to my sister since yesterday night. =.=

This is the 2nd post.


It's cross country 2008.


I woke up earlier than usual.


I was tired and hungry. XD


I didnt run in the competitors section but I took part at the "fun run/walk"


Me, Staphanie, Xue Qi, Jerolyn and Yeok Hoon we walk together.


Somehow no matter where we go or whatever, I feel very neglated by them.


I always feel I am never needed by them as a friend or something.


They walk 4 in a row and left me behind, they dont even bother to ask me join.


So end up im like walking alone...


After the walk/run, the sun came out and we have to sit under the sun for like about 1-2 hours.


The sun was so bright that my skin hurts.


After we are dismissed, Me, Xue Qi and Xi Xia went to Tampines for our lunch.


When we are at the train, Xi Xia keep saying "let's go Tampines, uh.. we go Bugis... I think Tampines better... But Bugis more things"


Lol she just cant make up her mind.


End up I play sissors paper stone with Que Qi.


If Que Qi lose means we go bugis.


Then she really lose then Xi Xia say "aiyah let's go Tampines" =.=


So end up we went to Tampines.


After we reach Tampines mall, Xi Xia cant make up her mind again...


She keeps saying "I want to eat sushi, let's eat Sakae. I think it's not worth.. let's eat Soul Gardern.. dont want la... Let's go eat food court."


After going in food court, we walk around to look for a table.


We cant find any then end up we walked out of food court then Xi Xia say "Should we eat fast food?"


Then me and Xue Qi say no because we had been having fast food for the past few days.


So end up we walked back in the food court and look for a table.


After we eat and finished our food at the food court, we went shopping. (it's window shopping for me)


When we go to Toy'r'us, we played with the toys there.


It was hilarious!


It's been a long time since I played with toys there and have so much fun.


After that, we went to Popular to buy stationaries.


Xi Xia buy very very very long because she cant make up her mind.. again.. =.=


End up she buy a few pens and a 2B pencil..


After that, nothing to shop already then we go home.

this picture above is "almost" all the colours psp have except psp slip lavenda blue, hot pink, white and black

nah! jerolyn!!!! pink psp =D

also

last week that mr ho chee bye he after school dont let me go art but let other classmates of mine go.

also thursday is supposed to be the deadline for my art then we tell teacher to extend so mr sulaiman extend the time till tommrrow.

YAY!

also i forget to return li shan class key =X

HEHE!!!

Once, there was a black rose..
It wasn't as beautiful as the other red roses..
Even though it's the only black rose,
nobody seemed to notice it..

The black rose just stood there,
wasting all its remaining life away..

Nobody sees it..
Nobody watered it..
Even the sun wouldn't shine for it..
It was left alone in the darkness..

Slowly...
The petals fell..
The rose wither..

The delicate black rose never spoke a word..
Always trying to hide its flaws..
Always trying to blend in with the red roses..
Still..
It is always being ostracized..
Alone..
Outcast..
Invisible..

Shockingly..
People start noticing the black rose.
A bud start to grow from the stalk..
The bud grew into a new beautiful black rose.
This time, the sun shone brightly for the black rose.
Making it the most beautiful and outstanding one.
Not by the beauty from its physiques..
But from its inner self..

Art Is My Life, Designing Is My Passion, Success Is My Future, Happiness WILL Last Till My Twilight Years

Name: *-* Crystal Chan *-*
Nick: Shirayuki Mizuki, 瑞希 白雪
Age: *-* 17 *-*
Gender: *-* Female *-*
Zodiac Sign: *-* Capricorn *-*
Birthday: *-* 1st January *-*
School: *-* MacPherson Sec *-*
Occupation: *-* Student *-*
Affiliations: *-* Free Tinker *-*
Current Status: *-* Single *-*

-Her Romeo

-Hobbies and Interests:
Chatting, Shopping, Listening To People's Troubles, Watching Anime, Day Dream, Listening To Music, Drawing, Singing, Dancing, Being Very Happy, Swimming, Sight Seeing, Happy-Go-Lucky

-Favorite Animals:
Panda, Baby Seals, Penguins, Dolphins, Killer Whale, Dogs

-Favorite Books:
Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn, Birthing House, Madly Murderous, Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul on Love & Friendship

-Favorite Movies:
Horror Movies, Saddist Movies & Comedies
Those movies that will carve deep in my memories. As long as they are good movies I like them.

-Favorite Music:
Hip-Hop, Pop, Rap, R&B & Classical

-Favorite Shows:
Drama:
Fated To Love You （命中注定我爱你）， Corner With Love （转角遇到爱）， Devil Beside You （恶魔在身边）， Why Why Love （换换爱）， The Clue Collector (霹靂MIT), Black Sugar Macchiato （黑糖马奇朵）, Hana Kimi - Japanese Version （花样少年少女）

Japanese Anime:
Chrno Crusade, Tsukuyomi Moon Phase, Maboraho, Mahoraba, Ichigi100%, Card Captor Sakura, Chobits, Kyou Kara Maou, Full Metal Alchemist, Naruto, Ouran High School Host Club, Aishiteruze Baby, Suzumiya Haruhi No Yuutsu, Ai Yori Aoshi, Magister Negi Magi Mahou Sensei Negima, Fruits Basket, Hand Maid May, Love Hina, DearS, Koi Kaze, Death Note, Tsubasa Chronicals, XXXHolic, High School Girls, School Days, Yamato Nadesico Shichihenge, Sumomo Mo Momo Mo, Gakuen Alice, Suzuka, Mermaid Melody Pichi Pichi Pitch, Shakugan No Shana, Rozen Maiden, Strawberry Panic, Inukami, Shuffle! Memories, kamichama karin, Beating Angel Dokuro-chan, Demonbane, Futakoi Alternative, Avatar The Last Air Bender, Devil May Cry, Kimikiss Pure Rouge, Rosario + Vampire, Vampire Knight, D.Gray-Man, Elfen Lied, Trinity Blood, School Days, Jigoku Shoujo, Blood+

-Boring Movies
-Boring Books
-People Who Backstabs
-People Who Breaks Promises
-People Who Lies
-People Who Acts Nice

-Pass O'level with good grades
-Get into Laselle
-Be a sucessful fashion designer
-Learn interior designing also
-Earning large sum of money
-Go Japan, Paris, USA, Canada
-Buy a silver convertable Volvo and house
-Design my own house
-Have a long drive through coniferous forest roads
-Forever remain SFF with Bryan
-Be with him for a very long time
-Remain Happy Go Lucky Always
-Live a healthy lifestyle, Mentally Socially and Physically

-Life Is Like A Block Of Wood, Plain, Boring, Square And Down To Earth. However If You Believe In It, In Yourself, You Actually Can Achieve Something Magical, Unexpected and Unimaginable.
-Hard Work, Integrity, Enthusiasm, Perserverence, Good Luck & Determination Is The Key To Sucess And Dreams.
-There are things in life that are inevitable. Though it's tough and avoiding always seems the only solution. The real truth is facing it will make it better.
-Never Let Small Matters Bring You Down, Never Give Up Just Because You Think You Can't.
-NEVER Cherish People Who Doesn't Cherish You.
-As Time Goes By, You Learn Things That You Can Never Learn From Books Or From School.
-Work Hard To Persuit Your Own Happiness And Future.
-Never Let Anyone Stop You From Doing What's Right, What You Like or Best At.
-Only Allow Guys Similar to Edward Cullen, Or Better, To Be With You.
-Everyday, Happy Go Lucky.

A Girl Can Dream You Know?

-So ready for this to be the end, for this to be the twilight of your life, though your life has barely started. You're willing to give up everyhting. It's not the end, it's the beginning.

-"It's twilight," Edward noted. "It's the safest time for us. The easiest time. But also the saddest, in a way... the end of another day, the return of the night. Darkness is so predictable, don't you think?" "I like the night," Bella replied. "Without the dark, we'd never see the stars."

-When You Can Live Forever, What Do You Live For?

-Nothing Will Be The Same.

May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009

♪ Vampire's Rose.. ♪
♪ My Friendster Profile ♪

♀ Ai Ling ♫ Akiko
♀ Alia
♀ Alicer ♫ Yuko
♂ Aloysius ♫ Aloy
♀ Amy
♀ Angela
♂ Bryan Chung ♫ SFF!
♂ Bryan Tan
♂ Chandra
♀ Chin Gek ♫ Kizuko
♀ Geraldine
♀ Hui Juan
♂ Jason ♫ Potato
♀ Jerolyn ♫ Jelly
♀ Jia Ming
♀ Ka Khay
♀ Lenise
♂ Lester
♀ Lindsey
♀ Li Rong ♫ Leh Long
♀ Li Rong ♫ Leron
♀ Miisha
♀ Shi Ting
♀ Shu Hui
♀ Shu Yi
♀ Siew Hwee
♀ Su Yi ♫ Su Ni (Mash Potato)
♀ Vivien
♀ Yeok Hoon ♫ Yeok Yeok
♀ Yi Jie ♫ Xiao Extra

Music Playlist at MixPod.com