Clarification time.

whenever I mentioned the word 'BITCH' I am always talking about me.


Second, there is a lot of misunderstanding because when I wrote that post I was venting anger and whatever that comes to my mind I just type it out without thinking.


Also thanks for pointing out that I look different because that photo was taken 3 years ago.


After having pimples I didn't like taking any photos so I don't have any of my recent photo.


I know I now buang okay? I am already constantly reminding myself I am so ugly that even car see me also want to run over my face.


Anyway, this was how it goes.


That day, when it was photo taking, Yeok Hoon sat down because she see me not wanting to sit down.


In the end I thought no space so I wanted to find another place so I took a few steps forward and Staphanie called Jerolyn to sit with them.


Problem was, I didn't know that the sofa could squeeze 1 more person and I was very frantic and confused that time so in the end I only remember the very negative things which was "Staphanie calling Jerolyn to sit beside her and left me out."


Instantly after that I was pissed so I told Su Yi and Shi Ting say "They ps me again, (part of the story, leaving out a lot of parts) Staphanie called Jerolyn to sit beside her and left me out.


Then they of course went to ask them what happened and because I only told them the reason why I was pissed I never tell the whole story so in the end they say I was making up story.


Anyway after that Shi Ting scolded me and I keep thinking back. My thoughts were not "I hate them" or "Why are they doing this to me?". It was "Why am I always doing this kind of things. I always do something I don't know I did. It felt as though I was a different person, split personality or something. Or is it that I am insane?".


I kept asking myself this few questions but just couldn't find the answer because my mind was so full of thoughts and everything just seemed a blur already.


Of course first thoughts were death then it become "I want to go home."


After that I told my mother my side of the story and she told me that being alone was never bad because this way I have more time to do what I need to do.


Usually friends influence you in such that they make you unable to concentrate on your studies or something.


Then I played Dragonica the whole day.


Dragonica is a game similar to maple except it's more fun, graphics are much better and it's easier to play.


Went to school the following day only feeling angry and frustrated.


I still wasn't thinking clearly and I only know one thing is I felt being used.


I'm not saying they use me, they never did but I was saying how I feel only.


I know they one period of time treat me really nice and I thought they accepted me totally.


I am a very sensitive person, to people it might be a small thing but to me it's very big because every small little thing will accumulate.


Anyway back to the point, the reason why I was feeling being used because the great difference between 'suddenly they treat me nice' and 'the next thing I know, they start to isolate from me again'.


My first thought was, "because you want things from me you then find me then when you don't need me you left me aside?"


I was writing my feelings and not they really treat me cruelly.


They never did like me before and I know the reason why.


The first impression I gave them was already negative and including those rumors people always spread about me.


About the Karaoke thing, "When they want to come my place just because I have the K Box Karaoke set they want to come my house sing for free.", though it sounds harsh but my real meaning was "free what! who also want to come!" I wasn't saying them being very poor or budget or whatever you can think of. I was only saying it's free! Even if it's me I would want to go too.


As for the cleaning up, they did offer to help but because they were guests, how can I let my guests help clean my house for me?


Also, I said until I wasn't willing to clean up after they left because I didn't enjoy myself. When they were singing K, I was being left alone. It sounds ridiculous to me, 'feeling left out in my own house'.


They really did offer to help me clean but I declined. I said until it's such a big deal because when you didn't enjoy yourself, will you enjoy cleaning after they left? Of course not! The feeling will be like shit too.


I know right now it's like 5B and C people already know this stupid thing. Just because I vent my anger on my blog then it turned out this way?


I know what I said was too much but my blog is my dairy and I want to write what I want. I don't care if my music is outdated because I don't on my blog to listen to music so what for I change? Just because people tell me to do so? Then won't that make me very tired?


Anyway back to the point. Those previous post, I was only writing HOW I FEEL and not stating the fact that WHAT REALLY HAPPENED.


Anyway now I know why they dislike me, just because of the things I sec 3 that time say? I always talk about things that aren't relevant to them, then they dislike me? Then since dislike never just tell me right away?


Also I know why till now they still dislike me because their impression of me stopped at the 3 years ago's Keng Hwee and not the present one.


I know I now very seldom talk about things like that because I hardly even talk to them so what makes them think I didn't change? I'm just not sure.


Also, if you guys go think about it, just because some things I did made you guys don't like me, then what about yourself? There are times when people make mistakes and what makes my mistake so serious and other's are not?


So this means other people can make mistakes and I can't? People can be angry and I can't? People can vent anger and I can't? So people can have feelings and I can't?


Like what Shu Hui says, no matter how hard I try they still dislike me. At least I tried, it's better to at least take the effort to try than to never try at all.


I would rather face problems than to run away from it. So for now, whatever people don't like about me just say it out, vent your anger on me about whatever you don't like about me then move on.


Also if is there anything I miss out just tell me.


Xue Qi: you don't mistaken, though my blog I keep writing "them them them" but you don't know that in my mind I never thought about you so I wasn't saying about you. You did nothing and I never was talking about you.



Lastly, whatever that post I write, really is mainly of how I FEEL only, that's all. No other intentions.

ARGH!


I think for now, CHILL BITCH!!


You just thought of a new idea and storyline for your art and don't because of small things affect art.

Today is a more fucked up day.


I feel this is so stupid!


Why does people have the right to say how they feel to people and yet I don't?


Telling my friend something that is bothering me is complaining?


Just because me and my friend don't really talk much in school means that we cannot use other means of communication?


Just because I vent anger in my blog means I will never recover?


Just because I say singing K at my house is free means I want them to pay?


Why does people always never get what I mean then make the correct interpretation of what I'm trying to say?


When nobody tells you where you gone wrong will you know it all by yourself?


When you did your very best yet people say you never tried, does this means many people hate you?


If it's so, can I die?


I believe if I die, everyone will cheer and celebrate that the bitch is finally gone.


Wow, I really wonder how it's like to die..


DIE BITCH DIE!!


ALL IT TAKES IS 1 STEP OFF YOUR HDB FLAT AND IT'S DONE!


WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!


NEVER HATE THIS BITCH SO MUCH IN MY LIFE.


ALWAYS TRYING SO HARD YET MOVE JUST ABIT LIKE A SNAIL. DO EVERYTHING ALSO WRONG! SEE LA BITCH! EVERYONE HATES YOU SO MUCH!!! WHY DON'T YOU JUST DIE NOW?! WHY?!?!

Nothing much happened for the past 1 week until yesterday..


It was Racial Harmony Day mixing with MacPherson surf in style day.


Most of the sec 5s wore home clothes to school.


The day before I went out with Su Yi to Bugis just to buy clothes and shoes for yesterday's event.


Yesterday morning once I wake up I keep having this very weird feeling that it's going to be a bad day and my instinct was right.


We have this photo taking session and I'll just cut short the story.


I was about to sit down but I commented I don't like corners because I am always left out when taking photos.


I will always stand right at the side where nobody will want to pose with me or something.


I am not an anti-social person, I tried to be-friend with everyone in my class unfortunately nobody cherish me as a friend.


I am always being left out and never wanted.


I am just not welcomed by anyone.


Today too, I was alone the whole day.


Recess or lunch, all alone.


It's not I never try, I tried my very best but nobody just wants to be my friend.


I cried badly yesterday, partly of the photo taking thing.


Readers now might think for such matter I cry for what?!


Let me tell you, the photo taking thing is indeed a very small matter but what really matters the most was I was feeling like I was being used the whole time.


I am saying I FEEEL that i was being used but the fact is they did not.


I am very sensitive and I tend to think in a different way than others, but if anyone have anything that you dislike about me all you have to do is say.


Tell me what went wrong with me and I will try to change.

5th July - 14th July is a long week so I'll just post it short.


5th July, Sunday:


I went out with dad I think that day I watched Land Of The Lost.


6th - 9th July, Monday - Thursday:


Normal school day.


10th July, Friday:


I woke up that day feeling very unwell but I still go to school because that day Mrs Chua opens up the Art room for us to do our Art after school.


In the end when I was taking my daily temperature check in school, my temperature triggered and I was sent down.


In the end I was feeling so sick that it made me feel like I really want to be home.


Anyway a lot of things happen, like my classmates (the guys) tease me because I was wearing a mask, the fatty doesn't want to fetch me home and also after Mr Alex Tay promise me he will send me home, I waited for him for an hour plus because of his family.


After reaching home I called my dad and he fetch me to go see this really expensive private doctor.


Luckily I only had all flu symptoms and not H1N1.


Then when they take my temperature it was 38 degrees and by the time I reached home, showered and already ready to sleep, my temperature was 38.8.


Ming Chuan was supposed to accompany me that day but because I was too ill he decide to accompany me the next day at my house.


11th July, Saturday:


I slept too early the day before and found myself waking up at 7 going 8 am.


I sms him and he quickly prepared and rush down to my place as fast as he could with my breakfast.


After that he even take a clean cloth to put on my forehead to make the fever subside because by then it was 39.5 degrees, then I did sleep.


After some time, I felt much better and we chatted.


Halfway through I did sleep because I was still having fever and I keep feeling like I am always tired.


I didn't go dance that day by the way.


12th July, Sunday:


I was supposed to go out with my dad but because I was still sick and so Ming Chuan came my house again to take care of me.


As usual he sat beside me and watched me sleep, bought me breakfast lunch and dinner and also taking whatever things I need to me.


13th July, Monday:


Nothing much happened, only I feel it's a bad day.


I don't wish to say..


14th July, Tuesday:


Also another ordinary day except I had maths mock exam today and I didn't complete it.


Also I ate a lot today, diet time!

Zinol trying to fit into the clothes.. HAHAH!!




Happy 1st month present to dar! Haha! The cake is not baked by me but the rest are.

24th June Wednesday:


I forgotten what I did that day but I believe that it's as usual, boring..


25th June Thursday:


I think I stayed at home the whole day that day.


Reason is, if I didn't remember wrongly, I scratched my face until it looks like I fell on my face.


With the warts and everything.


So gross!!!


I don't remember what I really did that day already.


26th June Friday:


Ming Chuan and Jeffrey came over my place and helped me upgrade my computer.


They came over, took my CPU then went off.


I did my usual things, clean, wash and so on.


After they come back, fix everything for me, then my mother asked Jeffrey to help fix the other 2 computer that is faulty and wanted to upgrade a laptop but he wasn't really free that day so the laptop just have to wait.


Then I don't remember the rest of the day.


27th June Saturday:


Because of my face, I really don't feel like going for dance so I didn't go.


My self-esteem went down the drain that day and it's just not my day to go out.


Because my mother is at home and she said if she is at home Ming Chuan can come so he came.


He accompanied me the whole day, preventing me from scratching my itching-non-stop face.


That day went well, he left quite late.


28th June Sunday:


I went out with my dad.


We actually wanted to eat the very expensive restaurant but because we saw the restaurant is almost empty, we decide not to go in.


We ended up eating Ichiban Boshi.


After eating then I think we bought some things and I went home.


The rest I don't remember.


29th June Monday:


It's school reopen.


The holiday seemed so short, I was still in holiday mood.


Anyway, I went to school but halfway through my stomach got really painful and I went home.


Ming Chuan was so worried so he came to see me.


My tummy hurts so bad that he feels bad because he couldn't do anything.


After that, I fell asleep and he used my computer.


When I wake up the first thing he asked was "are you feeling better? how's your tummy?"


Of course it still hurts but I said it's not pain anymore.


Anyway after that he left not long as it's quite late and I have school the next day.


(My quite late now is around 9 plus 10 already because I sleep earlier and earlier everyday.)


Then I did my things and went to bed.


30th June Tuesday:


I went to school, lesson was as boring as usual.


I nearly fall asleep during English lesson, even Celester also nearly fall asleep.


It's Mrs Lee's talking, so monotone, so 'weird', as usual.


Anyway after that the day was like so normal, as usual I went recess with Shi Ting and Su Yi then Siew Hwee will always be there also.


We chatted and eat of course.


Then usually it's Bio after recess then as usual I didn't pay much attention to the teacher and keep talking to Shi Ting.


Then after that It's just as usual.


After school, I had Chinese oral and Maths remedial.


These 2 is happening at the same time.


Means my Maths teacher, Mr Salim, assigned us work then while we are doing when it's our turn then we go for oral.


Oral finish, go back class for remedial.


At this moment I had some mis-communication with Ming Chuan.


At first I ask him to accompany me buy things but in the end he sms me something like "will rush" so I thought he was saying he will be rushing because he was out at that moment.


So I tell him I will go alone, he knew I wasn't happy but he thought I was angry with him.


I wasn't angry with him, I was angry with myself.


After reaching Plaza Sing, I went to buy the ingredients for his present and at this time he was trying to contact me asking me where I am but because I don't want him always because of me in the end neglet his friends so I didn't tell him where I am.


Also I was afraid that he will be very rush to get there so I insist that he goes along with his friend.


In the end the both of us was like 'mad' at ourselves and both was hurt because of me.


Of course to him he feels that it's his fault for telling me the "rush" thing but it's my fault.


In the end I nearly cry but I asked him "even if I tell you now where I am you won't come right?"


Then he replied "where are you now?" and so I told him.


Then finally I bought finish his present and I walked around for quite long, till my legs hurt, he finally came.


Then we window shopped then went to Orchard Centre the new shopping centre.


Halfway while walking I need to use the ladies and he was holding my bag for me, someone called him gay.


Of course he wasn't happy and we purposely walk pass them and he keep making comments about them.


Then that group of people keep avoiding us, I was very embarrassed but what to do?


What's past is past.


Then after walking around, we went to Takashimaya and had our 'dinner'.


By the time we finished dinner, the only thing I can think of is "I want to sleep, I want to go home."


By the time I reached home was around 9 plus 10, he of course, escorted me home.


After preparing my things, he called and we talked till I fell asleep.


1st July Wednesday:


Went to school, did the usual stuff then went home.


It was Su Yi and Guan Wen's 1 month anniversary but he wasn't free so instead, I went out with her accompanying her.


I used Su Yi as Guinea Pig when she came my place to test the present I was going to make for Ming Chuan.


After that we went to Bugis, I played JuBeat then we went to Iluma and after Shi Ting reached we went to Bugis Street to shop because they wanted to buy things.


We walked for a very long time in the end Su Yi didn't buy anything and she wasn't happy about it.


Anyway by around 9 plus, the only thing I can think of is sleep.


Then around 10 plus we go off together.


After reaching home, I talked to Ming Chuan on the phone awhile and I fell asleep.


2nd June Thursday:


Today in school it was HILARIOUS!


We were supposed to have 'dancing lessons' during PE but Ms Lau didn't come so we played at the dance studio.


Zainol and Siva played with the Contemporary Dance's dress.


They wore them and it really was very funny.


The rest of the school time was as usual.


That day Ming Chuan waited for me outside school and escort me home.


Happy 1st month Dar!


That day he was feeling very guilty because he didn't get me anything.


That day I couldn't go out because I was out for the past 2 days so he came my house and I prepared his present for him.


My cooking wasn't very good so this is the 'best' I can think of making for him.


After giving it to him, he keep insist that he help me wash the pots but I insist he doesn't.


After I wash everything, I accompanied him.


I was so tired that day and the only thing I can think of is sleep and nap.


After that I think I took a nap and I was so happy every time when he come my place, after I open my eyes, the first thing I see is him.


Anyway after that when it was night, he went home.


I prepared my things and went to bed.


3rd June Friday, yesterday:


I went to school, did the usual things.


He escort me home too, then when we were about to have lunch together I called my sister and ask if she wants me to buy home and she suddenly tells me my mother fell down.


Because she went in the kitchen then she accidentally slipped and landed on her injured foot.


Then my sister asked me to buy the necessities, my mother's and her lunch and so I did.


Then he escort me home.


The rest of the day was as usual.


4th June Saturday, Today:


Woke up by the construction sound again, then I did the usual cleaning and keeping.


I went to wash up, chatted with Bryan and Su Yi on msn, I downloaded some songs and here I am now blogging.


Going for dance later on..


(Pictures will be posted in next post.)

Once, there was a black rose..
It wasn't as beautiful as the other red roses..
Even though it's the only black rose,
nobody seemed to notice it..

The black rose just stood there,
wasting all its remaining life away..

Nobody sees it..
Nobody watered it..
Even the sun wouldn't shine for it..
It was left alone in the darkness..

Slowly...
The petals fell..
The rose wither..

The delicate black rose never spoke a word..
Always trying to hide its flaws..
Always trying to blend in with the red roses..
Still..
It is always being ostracized..
Alone..
Outcast..
Invisible..

Shockingly..
People start noticing the black rose.
A bud start to grow from the stalk..
The bud grew into a new beautiful black rose.
This time, the sun shone brightly for the black rose.
Making it the most beautiful and outstanding one.
Not by the beauty from its physiques..
But from its inner self..

Art Is My Life, Designing Is My Passion, Success Is My Future, Happiness WILL Last Till My Twilight Years

Name: *-* Crystal Chan *-*
Nick: Shirayuki Mizuki, 瑞希 白雪
Age: *-* 17 *-*
Gender: *-* Female *-*
Zodiac Sign: *-* Capricorn *-*
Birthday: *-* 1st January *-*
School: *-* MacPherson Sec *-*
Occupation: *-* Student *-*
Affiliations: *-* Free Tinker *-*
Current Status: *-* Single *-*

-Her Romeo

-Hobbies and Interests:
Chatting, Shopping, Listening To People's Troubles, Watching Anime, Day Dream, Listening To Music, Drawing, Singing, Dancing, Being Very Happy, Swimming, Sight Seeing, Happy-Go-Lucky

-Favorite Animals:
Panda, Baby Seals, Penguins, Dolphins, Killer Whale, Dogs

-Favorite Books:
Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn, Birthing House, Madly Murderous, Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul on Love & Friendship

-Favorite Movies:
Horror Movies, Saddist Movies & Comedies
Those movies that will carve deep in my memories. As long as they are good movies I like them.

-Favorite Music:
Hip-Hop, Pop, Rap, R&B & Classical

-Favorite Shows:
Drama:
Fated To Love You （命中注定我爱你）， Corner With Love （转角遇到爱）， Devil Beside You （恶魔在身边）， Why Why Love （换换爱）， The Clue Collector (霹靂MIT), Black Sugar Macchiato （黑糖马奇朵）, Hana Kimi - Japanese Version （花样少年少女）

Japanese Anime:
Chrno Crusade, Tsukuyomi Moon Phase, Maboraho, Mahoraba, Ichigi100%, Card Captor Sakura, Chobits, Kyou Kara Maou, Full Metal Alchemist, Naruto, Ouran High School Host Club, Aishiteruze Baby, Suzumiya Haruhi No Yuutsu, Ai Yori Aoshi, Magister Negi Magi Mahou Sensei Negima, Fruits Basket, Hand Maid May, Love Hina, DearS, Koi Kaze, Death Note, Tsubasa Chronicals, XXXHolic, High School Girls, School Days, Yamato Nadesico Shichihenge, Sumomo Mo Momo Mo, Gakuen Alice, Suzuka, Mermaid Melody Pichi Pichi Pitch, Shakugan No Shana, Rozen Maiden, Strawberry Panic, Inukami, Shuffle! Memories, kamichama karin, Beating Angel Dokuro-chan, Demonbane, Futakoi Alternative, Avatar The Last Air Bender, Devil May Cry, Kimikiss Pure Rouge, Rosario + Vampire, Vampire Knight, D.Gray-Man, Elfen Lied, Trinity Blood, School Days, Jigoku Shoujo, Blood+

-Boring Movies
-Boring Books
-People Who Backstabs
-People Who Breaks Promises
-People Who Lies
-People Who Acts Nice

-Pass O'level with good grades
-Get into Laselle
-Be a sucessful fashion designer
-Learn interior designing also
-Earning large sum of money
-Go Japan, Paris, USA, Canada
-Buy a silver convertable Volvo and house
-Design my own house
-Have a long drive through coniferous forest roads
-Forever remain SFF with Bryan
-Be with him for a very long time
-Remain Happy Go Lucky Always
-Live a healthy lifestyle, Mentally Socially and Physically

-Life Is Like A Block Of Wood, Plain, Boring, Square And Down To Earth. However If You Believe In It, In Yourself, You Actually Can Achieve Something Magical, Unexpected and Unimaginable.
-Hard Work, Integrity, Enthusiasm, Perserverence, Good Luck & Determination Is The Key To Sucess And Dreams.
-There are things in life that are inevitable. Though it's tough and avoiding always seems the only solution. The real truth is facing it will make it better.
-Never Let Small Matters Bring You Down, Never Give Up Just Because You Think You Can't.
-NEVER Cherish People Who Doesn't Cherish You.
-As Time Goes By, You Learn Things That You Can Never Learn From Books Or From School.
-Work Hard To Persuit Your Own Happiness And Future.
-Never Let Anyone Stop You From Doing What's Right, What You Like or Best At.
-Only Allow Guys Similar to Edward Cullen, Or Better, To Be With You.
-Everyday, Happy Go Lucky.

A Girl Can Dream You Know?

-So ready for this to be the end, for this to be the twilight of your life, though your life has barely started. You're willing to give up everyhting. It's not the end, it's the beginning.

-"It's twilight," Edward noted. "It's the safest time for us. The easiest time. But also the saddest, in a way... the end of another day, the return of the night. Darkness is so predictable, don't you think?" "I like the night," Bella replied. "Without the dark, we'd never see the stars."

-When You Can Live Forever, What Do You Live For?

-Nothing Will Be The Same.

May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
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November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009

♪ Vampire's Rose.. ♪
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